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Dear Junie B. Jones and all teen magazines,
Relationships in High School are not as easy as you make them seem. Being a teenager is extremely awkward to begin with, we are not smart enough to make our own decisions and often naïve but we are finding our place in the world and making the fall from childhood to adulthood. Serious relationships being difficult to begin with, but in high school, the roadblocks are even harder. Both boys and girls are not as confident or comfortable with themselves as an adult who has lived more of their life than the average 16-year-old. Most 16-year-old boys are immature and are so focused on the “physical” aspect of a relationship and nothing more.
Me: Where can i find a nice guy? do you know which rock they’re hiding under?
Him: Umm there are lots of guys that are nice, that’s why us nice guys get SUPER CONFUSED when girls go out with the “bad boys” or a guy like that, its like something our mind can’t process, they get hurt, the nice guy helps them, the girl sees him as a friend, and she keeps looking for guys to break her heart, just my opinion
Me: These nice guys need to start taking chances and just going for the girl they want because girls are complete idiots also. I can’t process why these nice guys don’t just tell the girl… like… BLARGH! i feel as though it could go either way. Like guys also don’t realize how a girl feels about the boy until… sometimes never. Is it really worth it? I sound like such a bword don’t I?
Him: See but the thing is that both girls and guys can be assholes so that’s y they decide not to say anything
Me: This just makes me want to ball up and cry…
Him: Why?
Me: Because I don’t even know if love actually exist…
Doesn’t this guy just sound so great? If only the feelings were mutual. Our relationship began as a possibility of being more than friends but now he’s one of my greatest guy friends and am happy that nothing happened because he is so sweet but… Not what I am looking for now. I have probably mentioned this before but I always find myself telling the guy I like how I feel before anything is certain. to all of you who follow my blog, you may have noticed that I have not posted anything new in a while. I have found myself in a struggle between what is logical and what my heart wants. Quite similar to the struggle between the Classical Era and the Romantics portrayed beautifully in The Adventures of Baron Munchausen (watch here: http://www.crackle.com/c/The_Adventures_of_Baron_Munchausen/The_Adventures_of_Baron_Munchausen/2480649?c=US). I fell for a guy I never thought I would fall for, he is a complete dork and nerd through and through who has such a big heart. I have been smitten by him for some time now but could not muster the courage to talk to him. We had a bunch of mutual friends, the same lunch period, and a class together but never seemed to cross paths.
During a capella practice one day he was completely ignored when choosing the soloist and I couldn’t help but notice how heartbroken and frustrated he was with it. I knew that if I were in his shoes I would want someone to be there and comfort me through the injustice, so that’s what I tried to do. I sent him a Facebook message apologizing for the unfair decision and we had a short conversation. Some time later at our last a capella concert, a group of us hung out afterwards at the beach nearby but as it got darker, the group dwindled down to just 5 of us. We decided to go downtown to try to find food and somehow ended up at the Crown Fountain.
We both did not want to get wet so we sat to the side and began to talk. He then puts his arm around me and tells me how sweet the message I sent him was. When a guy puts his arm around a girl, what does that mean? It has to mean something right?
This small gesture gave me the burst of confidence and happiness I needed to pursue him. I began talking to and getting to know him, and I honestly fell for someone I never expected to. He was the only person who was uncomfortable with the celebration of Osama bin Laden’s death no matter how symbolic it was to American History like I was. He is a talented musician and even reads poetry! He was almost the epiphany of my “perfect” guy. Because he was a senior, a timer was always ticking in the back of my head. I know I know, relationships should never be rushed, but I could not help myself. 20 days, 19 days, 15 days… day by day I would watch myself dream up of all the amazing thing that could happen between us and when they did not happen convince myself tomorrow will be the day, and start the entire cycle over again. Then the lightbulb went off in my head, maybe he was scared to tell me. I found a beautiful heartfelt poem that summarizes how I felt and had a friend bolded all the words that are “clues” to who I am.
Of Moths and Flames
Be there more beauty held in one’s own eye
When God has taken the colour from the sky?
Should we flutter in light, a shade with no name,
‘Til we’re burnt by love – like a Moth and Flame?
‘Twas with this beauty that he turned blind,
Her beauty, in turn, left not her lips nor mind.
They loved in dreams, but their fate couldn’t be:
For she couldn’t speak and he couldn’t see.
Thus sang he once of bread and wine,
When sight returned, but no image divine.
And a prayer, found scribbled in a book:
For she who didn’t speak and he who didn’t look.
And just the same, I heard her sing
With the smell of a burning soul or wing,
“Be it us, not God, who the sky should blame! ”
That age old song of a Moth and Flame.
-Victoria Ferguson
I waited and waited for him to respond or even react but I drew a blank. Nothing. Nada. Zippo. Zilch. I was left to conjure in my head all the possibilities and what ifs in life. All my close friends that I talked to said that there was something between us, whether it be the stolen glances or arm around the shoulder. I have never been one to wait around or hesitate to tell someone how I felt so I found the perfect opportunity to initiate things between us. I asked him to the school magic show hoping that we could talk and get to know each other. The whole thing was one of the most awkward things I have ever done. He brought some friends with him and he put up a wall when we were there… The nice guy sitting to my right was more interested in me than he was. I was interrogating him and things did not flow one bit. Of course that did not stop me from liking him or continue to fall for him. I again waited and waited. 9 days, 8 days, 7 days… time was running out and I could not regret not telling him how I felt, so I did. I told him how I felt and he was so sweet about everything. He said a bunch of nice stuff then that he couldn’t see it being anymore than what it was. I was devastated and cried an entire night because of it. I didn’t cry because he said no, but because I had been so naïve to believe that something could have happened or that there was something between us.
Fast forward to today, I am still not over him no matter what I tell everyone. We are “just friends” but every time I think I am over him, he does something nice then BAM! all the emotions come back. I do not understand why I keep holding on to him when I know I am better off without him and that he is moving 700 miles away so nothing long-term could have happened. I am at war with myself, a struggle of the mind and the heart. I make a wish everyday at 11:11 hoping and praying that he will say something even though I know nothing will happen. I am content with being friends but… I can not seem to let go. I keep dwelling. I admit and know I am dwelling yet why can’t I move on? What do I do? What can I do? In conclusion, because I have to end this letter, Junie B. Jones and all teen magazines, you make love seem so easy when in reality it is not. Love hurts, love is vain, love is trivial… in addition to all you tell us. Nice boys are so hard to find and HIDE UNDER ROCKS!
Love always,
-terripham
p.s. please comment below if you are or have ever been in my situation. I honestly need all the help and support that I can get. Thank you for reading.
